Underneath Your Smile
by Lauretta92
Summary: Aftermath of Saturday's episode. How will Rita manage? Will she eventually get the support from Iain she needs?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone :)**

 **I am very new to casualty fics, but after last night's episode I felt I needed to write something. Next Saturday is so far away. I am a bit rusty, haven't written in English in almost two years (am a proud Dutchie), so hopefully my English isn't that bad.**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

The sole of her ankle boots made an squeaking sound on the asphalt, slowly echoing away behind sirens and old wheelchairs. Paramedics were unloading patients out of the bright coloured ambulances, sometimes being assisted by the porters or healthcare assistants. It was business as usual, she would say. Like yesterday never happened.

Rain dropped on her leather jacket, its rhythm representing an catchy song from the Caribbean. She took in the fresh air before making her way towards the entrance of Holby ED. Another day, another step away from the disastrous shift she had yesterday.

"Morning", Zoe greeted her, a coffee in one hand and an cigarette in the other. "How are you?"

She didn't feel like small talk this morning, even though Zoe only wanted to be her friend. She shrugged. "Getting there."

"You'll be alright, Rita."

"Yeah, hope so."

"And did you take my advice?" Rita looked at her friend. "The TLC, I mean."

Rita bit her lip, holding back any emotions that would tell her how she felt. How she felt this very minute, but also last night when the tears finally came. Last night she decided to distract herself with a stupid chick flick on television, hoping that it would make her forget her own sorrows. But she couldn't be more wrong. Everything came back to haunt her the moment she went to bed, closing her eyes for the first time that day.

She shook her head. "No, he couldn't be bothered." The words came out cold, heartless. Like Mark had told her last night.

"So where did you go last night?"

"Home."

"Alone?" She didn't say anything, simply looking at the hospital walls looming up before her. She couldn't look at her friend, she would burst into tears if she did. "Oh, Rita", Zoe said. She felt Zoe's hand rest on her shoulder, squeezing it for moral support. "You should have called me. I would have come, you know."

She managed to produce a soft, polite smile. "Yeah, I know."

She walked passed reception, greeting Jack and Noel with an simple nod. She was about to push the double doors open, when Jacob beat her to it. His white uniform was spotless, a contrast to the patients in the waiting room, covered in fluids that no-one had mentioned in medical books. "Right, you are just the person I need", he said, pointing his finger at Rita. "We've got an RTC. Public bus full of elderly coming in. ETA 10 minutes."

"Well", Zoe said, drinking her last bit of coffee. "Let's start, shall we?"

She didn't say anything. She went straight to the changing room, getting in her uniform. She put her own clothes in her locker, hoping that everything from yesterday's shift would stay there as well. Her patients would need her today. They needed a professional, be someone who didn't bring their personal life to work. She looked at the mirror one more time, putting her blond hair in an simple bun.

* * *

The double doors of the Holby ED swung open, revealing Iain and Jez transporting a distressed patient. The wheels of the gurney swiftly moving across the ED floor, passing several members of the hospital staff and their patients. The lively colour of the human skin had faded away, leaving the woman pale, almost lifeless. A man, dressed in a suit, held her hand, his face covered in fear.

"This is Susan Davidson, 37 year old", Iain started. "Her husband Frank had found in the bathroom crying. She had some vaginal blood loss. She is 30 weeks pregnant."

"Straight to resus." Zoe said, grabbing the small paper file containing important patient information. "Jacob, would you take Mr. Davidson to the relatives room, please?"

"Please, I need to be with my wife", the man said, desperation clearly audible in his voice.

"I understand, Mr. Davidson", Rita said, stepping in. In some way she could understand how this man felt right now. The love he had for his wife was evident in his eyes, mixed with fear. "But let the doctors do their job. We will keep you updated, I promise." She smiled softly, before turning to Jacob. "If you please, Jacob."

Rita made her way to resus, opening the doors to see the woman being transferred to an ED bed. Zoe took the stethoscope from her neck and started to listen to the woman's heart. She positioned herself next to her friend, trying to avoid any contact with Iain. In the corner of her eyes she saw he was trying to make eye contact, but she wasn't in the mood.

She walked over to the supplies, getting all the material she needed. "Rita." He called her name, just loud enough for her to hear, no-one else. But she couldn't talk to him right now. Distance was the best she could do right now. She would deal with it after shift.

"Alright, I need IV access fast, before she gets into shock." Zoe started to take the lead, giving Rita an knowing look, signalling she noticed lack of contact between her and Iain. "I need an ultrasound. I want to know if there is any placental abruption. Get me some bloods as well, cross match six units. Page an obstetrician."

Rita took the hand of the woman in hers, letting her know she wasn't alone. "It's okay, Susan", she said softy, causing her to smile. Even if it was very faintly. She looked away, a flash of green disappearing behind the double doors. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, swallowing her emotions away. Taking a deep breath she opened them again. Her focus would solely on her patient.

* * *

Her ballpoint-pen moved swiftly across the patient file, the information of the patient permanently transferred to the paper. She closed it, giving it to Jack before getting another one. They had stabilized the woman in resus, moving her to a single room for monitoring while she waited for a bed upstairs. A woman in her condition should have some privacy, together with her husband. Rita pressed her lips together, the image of the distraught husband still in the back of her mind. She shook her head, an attempt to get rid of it.

"Jez, can you take this one?" The sounds of the busy ED fainted to the background, but somewhere his voice would always stand out.

"Sure." Jez started walking to cubicles. "This is Holly Fisher, 21 years old."

She could feel his eyes burn a hole in the back of her head. Even though she didn't see him, she could feel him closing in on her. The smell of his cologne was intoxicating. It once made her feel liked, loved even. But now, now it felt like it tried to kill her, poison her when she was at her weakest. It reminded her of something she missed last night. That smell would tell her he was there, that she wasn't alone.

"Hey", he started casually. "You haven't texted me back." His words were merely an statement, the underlying question very much evident to her.

She didn't look up. "Yeah", she said with an flat voice. "Been busy."

Silence reigned between for a moment. Iain didn't know what to say, his dark brows furrowed. "Is there something wrong?", he asked bluntly.

She looked up, a mix of surprise and boyish innocence written all over his face. "No, everything is fine." She tried to make it more convincing by flashing him her polite smile. Something she became rather good at when she was still with Mark.

"Alright", he said. "Coming to the pub tonight?"

"No."

She picked up the patient file and moved to her office. Her sorrow was mixed with anger, creeping up on her like a thief in the night. How could he not notice? How could he not see that she needed him last night? And why, why on earth would he ignore her text? Why could he not support her, like husband Frank was supporting his wife in resus?

She closed her office behind her, silence taking over.

* * *

 **So, what do you think? I have two more chapters for this fic, which I will (hopefully) be posting during the rest of the week. A review would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**First of all, thank you for the lovely reviews. Those made my day.**

 **And secondly, this is the final chapter. I turned out to be longer than I thought, hope you don't mind. But I wanted to post it before tonight (can't wait for the episode, though. Hope that they kiss and make up haha)**

 **Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

Rita closed the file and left next to the computer in the nurses' station. She made her way towards the single room in the corner of cubicles, close to resus so that they could act quickly if there was any emergency. She opened the wooden door, which gave her access to the room. The scene before her looked like something from an old painting. Frank was holding his wife's hand in his, his other hand stroking her cheek. He kissed her on top of her head, his eyes never once leaving hers. She felt the lump in her throat getting bigger, its growing size harder and harder to stop from getting out in the form of tears.

"We'll be alright, darling. I promise", Frank said softly.

She cleared her throat, making her present known to them. "I'm just going to do the regular checks", Rita said. She walked to the bed, putting the blood pressure cuff on Susan's upper arm. She put the stethoscope in the crook of her arm, inflating the cuff almost immediately after.

Hmm... she thought to herself. The blood pressure was still a bit low, while her pulse was beating faster than the last time. The mother was still responsive, fully alert. There was this feeling in her stomach, she couldn't explain it. Maybe it was her several years of nursing experience that created that feeling. And she knew from previous experiences she had to act fast.

She smiled politely, never once letting the soon-to-be parents sense that something was wrong. She needed to find Zoe, before something irreversible happened and the created damage couldn't be fixed. She put the blood pressure cuff away, slowly making her way to the door. "Susan", she heard the husband say. "Susan!" His voice became lower. "Nurse, there is something wrong with her. Susan, wake up!"

Rita turned around. The woman had closed her eyes, like she was peacefully asleep. But she wasn't. She wasn't responding to her husband's desperate voice. His face was crumbling, the sorrow taking over his facial expressions. He was trying to shake his wife awake, but she knew that wouldn't work. "I need some help in here", Rita said in full nurse mode. "Sir, please wait outside."

He hesitated, his hand still holding onto his wife. "She can't die." His voice cracked, like he was breaking in two deep inside. "Please, safe her", he begged. Tears were forming in his eyes, making their way down his face. "I don't know what I'd do without her."

She swallowed, taking one look at the defenceless woman, her hospital gown covering up most of her body. The slight baby bump making her uneven. This was one of the scenario's she wanted to avoid today. This was something she knew she had to deal with, knowing deep down it was what she could never have. That was the awful part of nursing, sometimes you had to see things you would never forget.

She was pulled back to reality when Zoe came rushing in, her speed as fast as her heels could carry. She pulled the stethoscope from her head, positioning it all over Susan's body. "Mr. Davidson, you need to get out", she said, letting her gaze momentarily leaving Susan. "Let us do our job." She gestured for one of the other nurses to escort him out.

"I think we have an placenta abruption." She grabbed the small ultrasound device from the nightstand, while Rita put some gel on the woman's stomach. In the background a nurse was calling, her voice fainted to the background. Swiftly moving the device across the stomach, only muttering one word at the time. Her eyebrows were fully frowned, the uttermost concentration written all over her face.

"Shit", Zoe said. "We have an placenta abruption. We need to get her to theatre as fast as possible."

"Theatre is full, Dr. Hanna", the nurse said, the white phone still clinging to her ear.

Rita straightened her back. "Then we need to do it here, Zoe", she said, confidence shining behind every word she said. This was something she was good at, something that needed to be done. "Deliver the baby."

Zoe pressed her lips together, only for a few seconds considering her options. "Alright, we do it here. I need an obstetrician on standby. Get him on the phone. Get us some scrubs as well." The doctor was giving orders in the manner of an frightful army commander. "And get me blood, O-Neg. By God she's going to need it."

* * *

Her breaths were shallow, like she was too afraid to breath. Right now she wanted to disappear, make herself invisible. Zoe stood for her, her expensive heels firmly on the ground, stethoscope in her hand. She could only image the expression on her friend's face, professional but full of empathy like you would expect from a doctor.

Frank was stroking his wife's forehead, the love clearly visible with that one move. "I am very sorry, Mr. Davidson." A sob escaped his mouth. "The condition of your wife is stable, but we will monitor her for the next few hours. The baby is transferred to the neonatal intensive care unit. I will inform you when it's possible to visit her."

The man swallowed. "Do you know how the baby is?"

"The baby is very critical. They are working on it, really giving them the best care they can. She is in the best possible hands, really."

Zoe's last were the final straw. The man, who tried to be strong for his wife, his family broke down. He was crumbling down into pieces, like an old building collapsing after it served its purpose. Afterwards there was nothing left, just thousands of old bricks, broken windows and pieces of wood.

Rita pressed her lips together, slowly taking a few steps back. She couldn't do this anymore, couldn't be here. There was a lot she could handle, but people breaking down right before her eyes got to her. Only this time it got to her even more. This couple, happily married and expecting their first child should not be immersed in sorrow. They deserved to enjoy every minute of it, not in an hospital hoping it would eventually come around.

She disappeared behind the double doors, silently closing them so no-one would come after her. She passed several staff members before she reached her office. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding, letting it vaporize in the small room. But that wasn't the only that was getting out. The tears she had been trying to stop finally running free. She covered her mouth with her hand, making sure no-one could hear her sob.

A soft knock was heard. "Rita, please open up. It's Zoe."

She hesitated, debating whether she wanted to do this alone or let someone in. Zoe was the better option, she was the only one who'd come after her in a situation like that. She opened the door, the cold metal of the door handle touching her hand.

She was met with eyes full of concern. Zoe walked past her, leaning against the desk. Rita closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath to prepare for the conversation she knew she had to have. "Look, Zoe", she started. "I'm sorry, it was unprofessional of me to walk away."

She sat herself next to Zoe. "Do you ever go easy on yourself?"

"No." She sniffed, whipping the tears from her face.

"That's what I thought. Sometimes this job gets to you, and that's okay." Zoe put her arm around her shoulders. "You're only human, Rita."

"I'm glad they have each other. I wouldn't know what to do if I had to go through that alone." The words were out before she had thought them through. The words that were only present in her thoughts. She couldn't say these things out loud.

"But you're not alone, right?"

"I felt alone yesterday." She paused for a moment, composing herself. "Right after you said that a Lager and kebab was all you need, I texted him. Hoping he would finish his drink, so we could go home together. I figured... I wouldn't need to tell him about that shift, just spending time with him would take my mind off things. But he ignored my text."

Zoe gave her an questioning look. "I saw him through the pub window. He couldn't care less."

"Have you said anything to him?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm just debating if I should. If this is worth fighting for." She sighed deeply, hoping it would take the sorrows away from her. But the weight on her shoulders remained the same. "I fought for Mark, years ago. Look where it brought me."

"Don't let Mark mess up your life again. Don't let him stop you from being happy, because that's exactly what he wants."

She knew Zoe was right. She couldn't let Mark ruin her life. That would mean he had won, that calling him an paedophile for the first time didn't mean anything. "When I look at Susan and Frank, I can't stop myself from getting jealous. That I want something like that as well. Is that wrong?"

Zoe squeezed her shoulder. "No, it isn't", she said firmly. "You deserve it, more than anyone."

"It took me quite some time to finally convince myself that I deserved to be loved like that. Then Iain came along and I thought I'd found it."

"Oh, Rita." The sympathy in her voice audible. "Talk to him. Maybe he's more understanding than you think."

"I don't know."

Their conversation was interrupted by Zoe's pager going off. "I have to go", she said, making her way towards the door. She turned around. "Don't make any rush decisions yet, Rita. Talk to him first."

* * *

A soft evening wind moved across the grounds in front of the hospital. She put her arms around her, making sure the wind wouldn't reach underneath her jacket. She greeted the porter who was assisting an old lady inside the ED. A few meters before her were Robyn and Max making their way towards home. Robyn's laughter filled the empty parking lot, cracking up on one of Max' bad jokes.

The sounds of the surroundings faded to the background, her thoughts taking over. Her conversation with Zoe this afternoon had made her think, really think about the future. What did she want out of her relationship with Iain? What kind of relationship did she really want, dreamed about? She knew that it would never be like in fairytales, but could she expect more from Iain?

"Rita. Wait up." Her trail of thought was interrupted by the same man that was occupying it. She turned around, seeing that he was making his way towards her. He left his green uniform behind, now being dressed in his casual clothes.

She didn't say anything, didn't know how to start. "Why have you been ignoring me? Have I done something wrong?"

She knew these questions would come, didn't know if she wanted them answered. She promised to Zoe she wouldn't be making rush decisions, but this had been nagging at her the entire day. The conversation she had with him this morning only confirmed that maybe this decision would be for the better. Better for the both of them. Maybe it would hurt at this moment, but time would heal everything, right?

She paused, trying to find the right words to say to him. "I don't think I can do this."

"What?"

She sat down on the wooden bench. Her voice was soft, almost a whisper. "I want something else, something more than this." She looked at him, only finding bewilderment in his eyes. "Whatever it is we have, whatever you call it."

"What do you mean? We're just having fun, aren't we?"

She pressed her lips together, preparing for the worst thing she had ever said to anyone. "That's not enough for me."

She stood up, couldn't wait for his response. This was one of the hardest things she had to do. Walk away from the man she thought would fix everything. The man who would show her that there are different, loving relationships out there. The man who would make her forget about Mark and everything he'd ever done to her. He made her trust again, allowing herself to fall in love.

He grabs her wrist, making her turn around immediately. "Where does this come from?"

Her voice cracked. "I am ending this before it's too late. Before it will hurt too much." He didn't, probably couldn't say anything. "This is exactly what I mean. Your silence says enough."

She turned around, turning her back to Iain and their relationship. Tears were forming in the corner of her eyes, her lip was trembling. It might hurt, but time would heal, right? It was something she would have to believe.

* * *

The glass bottle was put next to the small shot glass. The liquid inside staring back at her with soft, brown eyes, like a promise that it would take away all her pain. But she knew it wouldn't, it never had. Only tonight its temptation to forget, only if it was for a few hours, was too great. She couldn't deal with it, not without drinking. Her hand slowly moved towards the glass, which was still standing firm on her coffee table.

The ringing of the doorbell startle her, making her hand retreat itself. She took a deep breath, breathing out as loud as she could. She made her way towards the door, opening it slowly. Familiar brown eyes were meeting hers, making her take an step back.

"What are you doing here?", she said, surprise audible in her voice.

"Correcting my mistakes."

"What?"

"Can I come in?" His voice was soft. "We need to talk."

He didn't wait for her to answer. He simply made his way past her, his cologne reaching her nose for a brief second. She closed the door, pressing her lips together as an attempt to control her emotions. She made her way towards the couch, sitting next to him and leaving just enough space between them. She couldn't get too close, not now.

"I went to the pub tonight", he started. "Then someone knocked some sense into me."

"Who?"

"Zoe."

"Zoe?", she asked. If she was honest right now it didn't really surprise her that Zoe intervened. "What did she say?"

He rubbed his hands nervously together, his hands transfixed on the coffee table before him. He hadn't looked at her ever since he sat down on the couch. "That I'm going to regret my mistakes."

Pausing for a moment he started to find the right words. Finally, he looked up. His eyes filled with love, a small amount of regret surrounding it. "I'm sorry about yesterday." She didn't say anything, the right words were nowhere to be found. "I should've blown off the pub last night. And tonight as well."

"I didn't need much yesterday", she started to confess. "Just didn't want to be alone, that's all."

For a brief moment she saw pain displayed on his face. "But after you'd ignored my text, I thought..." The crack in her voice only noticed by the people who'd really listen.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw you through the pub window. And I thought you'd rather be with your friends than a messed up me."

Suddenly his hand covered hers, squeezing it slightly. For a moment she was taken aback by his move, but she started to feel her hand relax. Maybe it was time to tell him about her past, about what Mark had destroyed. "Before I came to Holby, I was married." He didn't say anything, simply letting her speak. "I was the perfect wife to Mark, to be someone he wasn't ashamed off. With you, I am finally myself and you want to hide me away. Like I'm not good enough to be shown off."

She could feel his hand tense, the words hitting him harder than she thought. "I am not ashamed of you."

"Then why do you prefer the secrecy?" Her question was honest with an hint of innocence. She had wanted to know that ever since he confessed outside the pub that he'd preferred the secrecy.

"Because..." He paused. She saw the walls being torn down. "You are the first person in a long time I have been in a proper relationship with. And it scares the shit out of me."

"You don't think I'm scared too? I suck at this."

He smiled softly at her words. "Ok, how about this... We figure this out, together. Do it our way."

"I'd like that."

He put his arms around her, kissing her on the top of her head, like he had done yesterday. Only this time it was different, something was different between them. It was a good change, a change she had been waiting for.

"So, how about we order some pizza and watch stupid television shows?"

She smiled. "Okay, but could we do that later? I need to tell you something." Iain looked scared. "Don't worry", she reassured him. "I'm fine. It's about yesterday's shift."


End file.
